M&S till girl

So, I've finally got a job about 6 months after I finished uni. I'm now a till girl at M&S. I was absolutely terrified at first, but having worked on the long tills today for 4 hours, it wasn't too bad at all. This isn't a bad way for me to earn some money which I can use to improve my social anxiety. I'm trying to accept everything that happens.

"Let life happen to you, believe me life is in the right, always" Rainer Maria Rilke

They f*** you up

Philip Larkin annoys me a lot but he had one thing right. Your parents do f*** you up, especially if they are f***** up themselves. The thing is Philip Larkin was the gloomiest, most miserable and pessimistic person judging from his poetry and personal life and I'm angry that I used to look up to that shit.

F*** it, there's nothing cool, interesting or intelligent about being depressed out of your mind. It's a pile of horseshit. Its only recently that I've realised that such an attitude is really not worth it. I've got only one life to live and yes, it's going to be full of suffering but I'm going to learn to enjoy what I can.

Man, I get influenced by other people too easily...and that includes dead poets.

But yeah parents do f*** you up, but I am never ever going to intentionally f*** myself up ever again.

Shame, shyness and low self esteem

Hello,

 I'm feeling apprehensive as this is my first blog entry, but I doubt anyone will be reading it except me, so I guess I should relax. I wanted to talk about my social anxiety

 I have watched some videos about social anxiety on YouTube and I found some people that came to the same conclusion as me.  Social anxiety is basically intense shame.

When you take it to the extreme, you are ashamed of your very existence and can barely step out of the house, let alone look someone in the face.

 For me, it has led to intense depression and feelings of total worthlessness. I have become terrified of people. I can't bear conflict or anyone becoming angry or even slightly annoyed with me. When it does happen it's literally like being faced by a tiger. Yes, imagine an actual tiger turning to you and fixing its gaze on you....and its not in a cage. That is what it's like when someone (other than people I'm close to) gets angry with me. My mind goes into total panic mode and I feel like I'm going mad. That sounds ridiculous but I don't care because that is almost exactly how it is.

I'm lost now and I desperately need help. But I understand at the same time, that the only one who can help me is myself. The question is, how do I get to feeling that I deserve to exist?