Depression

It was my 24th birthday yesterday. Went to eat out with my sisters at a Malaysian restaurant. It really wasn't nice. We were going to go ice skating but I was too knackered. Yeah, I'm crazy like that. So, I came home and felt depressed. So depressed. And I feel really bad today as well, deep in my bones. I haven't felt this depressed for a while actually. My bones and flesh are aching with sadness and grief. I sound so pretentious. I don't know what to do. My body hasn't ached like this before when I felt unhappy, which isn't a good sign.

Gratitude

I'm learning to be grateful for the good things that occur in my life, however small. Today I got two compliments whilst working at the till, one lady said that my hair was nice and shiny and thick and that she was jealous. A second lady, old this time, said that I have a lovely smile and I feel that she genuinely meant it.

Not everyone is thinking bad things about me, some people are having nice thoughts. Not that I should expect that or anything, just learn to be grateful and maybe see myself in a better light.

It's also revealed to me how much small kindnesses can affect someone's day. They made mine better today.

Nausea

Tuesdays & Wednesdays constitute my weekend now as those are the only 2 days I have off from my Xmas temp job. But I have totally wasted both days just surfing the net, watching rubbish and not doing anything productive.

Also I've been feeling so bleak and empty today. The main emotion of the day however has been nausea at the thought of my own existence a la Jean Paul Sartre. You know, you must have had it, that queasy sickness at the thought of having to exist day in day out. The knowledge that life consists of almost constant but varying levels of suffering with barely a glimmer of happiness. The knowledge that you are totally utterly alone in this crazy world filled with insane unpredictable forces (and by that I mean people).

The feeling of having to go to work tomorrow morning is already weighing down my miserable heart. The problem is, I just can't do anything productive. I'm so angry and sad.

Next Tuesday is my 24th birthday.

M&S till girl

So, I've finally got a job about 6 months after I finished uni. I'm now a till girl at M&S. I was absolutely terrified at first, but having worked on the long tills today for 4 hours, it wasn't too bad at all. This isn't a bad way for me to earn some money which I can use to improve my social anxiety. I'm trying to accept everything that happens.

"Let life happen to you, believe me life is in the right, always" Rainer Maria Rilke

They f*** you up

Philip Larkin annoys me a lot but he had one thing right. Your parents do f*** you up, especially if they are f***** up themselves. The thing is Philip Larkin was the gloomiest, most miserable and pessimistic person judging from his poetry and personal life and I'm angry that I used to look up to that shit.

F*** it, there's nothing cool, interesting or intelligent about being depressed out of your mind. It's a pile of horseshit. Its only recently that I've realised that such an attitude is really not worth it. I've got only one life to live and yes, it's going to be full of suffering but I'm going to learn to enjoy what I can.

Man, I get influenced by other people too easily...and that includes dead poets.

But yeah parents do f*** you up, but I am never ever going to intentionally f*** myself up ever again.

Shame, shyness and low self esteem

Hello,

 I'm feeling apprehensive as this is my first blog entry, but I doubt anyone will be reading it except me, so I guess I should relax. I wanted to talk about my social anxiety

 I have watched some videos about social anxiety on YouTube and I found some people that came to the same conclusion as me.  Social anxiety is basically intense shame.

When you take it to the extreme, you are ashamed of your very existence and can barely step out of the house, let alone look someone in the face.

 For me, it has led to intense depression and feelings of total worthlessness. I have become terrified of people. I can't bear conflict or anyone becoming angry or even slightly annoyed with me. When it does happen it's literally like being faced by a tiger. Yes, imagine an actual tiger turning to you and fixing its gaze on you....and its not in a cage. That is what it's like when someone (other than people I'm close to) gets angry with me. My mind goes into total panic mode and I feel like I'm going mad. That sounds ridiculous but I don't care because that is almost exactly how it is.

I'm lost now and I desperately need help. But I understand at the same time, that the only one who can help me is myself. The question is, how do I get to feeling that I deserve to exist?