Depression

It was my 24th birthday yesterday. Went to eat out with my sisters at a Malaysian restaurant. It really wasn't nice. We were going to go ice skating but I was too knackered. Yeah, I'm crazy like that. So, I came home and felt depressed. So depressed. And I feel really bad today as well, deep in my bones. I haven't felt this depressed for a while actually. My bones and flesh are aching with sadness and grief. I sound so pretentious. I don't know what to do. My body hasn't ached like this before when I felt unhappy, which isn't a good sign.

Gratitude

I'm learning to be grateful for the good things that occur in my life, however small. Today I got two compliments whilst working at the till, one lady said that my hair was nice and shiny and thick and that she was jealous. A second lady, old this time, said that I have a lovely smile and I feel that she genuinely meant it.

Not everyone is thinking bad things about me, some people are having nice thoughts. Not that I should expect that or anything, just learn to be grateful and maybe see myself in a better light.

It's also revealed to me how much small kindnesses can affect someone's day. They made mine better today.

Nausea

Tuesdays & Wednesdays constitute my weekend now as those are the only 2 days I have off from my Xmas temp job. But I have totally wasted both days just surfing the net, watching rubbish and not doing anything productive.

Also I've been feeling so bleak and empty today. The main emotion of the day however has been nausea at the thought of my own existence a la Jean Paul Sartre. You know, you must have had it, that queasy sickness at the thought of having to exist day in day out. The knowledge that life consists of almost constant but varying levels of suffering with barely a glimmer of happiness. The knowledge that you are totally utterly alone in this crazy world filled with insane unpredictable forces (and by that I mean people).

The feeling of having to go to work tomorrow morning is already weighing down my miserable heart. The problem is, I just can't do anything productive. I'm so angry and sad.

Next Tuesday is my 24th birthday.