Plans for 2015:

Psychology of trauma classes at CityLit

Swing Dancing at Morley College

Piano Classes 1A at Morley College

London Wetland Centre

Hi,

Went to the London Wetland Centre today in Barnes. We walked from Hammersmith, a really nice woodland walk- took about 30 minutes. The Wetland Centre is an urban conservation area for wildlife. There are a variety of birds, also bats and otters. It was so peaceful to wander around there and especially to sit in the observation towers and look out across the land and water. You would never think you were in a city there. I am definitely considering getting a membership- so I can wander around there whenever I need a break.

I was really reluctant to go because I am not that interested in birds, but the weather was beautiful-sunny and crisp and it was so relaxing to be around nature- not to be cliched. As I intend to start Chinese Brush Painting soon, I will definitely be going there often as nature and birds are the main focus of this style of painting.

Looking forward to it and so nice to have found a place where, for a small fee - you can clear your mind and feel more peaceful.

 Today is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

Quite a wordy and worthy cause. I only found out through Google. It is a cause I truly believe in, having witnessed it with my own eyes and seen the tragic slowly unfolding consequences.

I respond to my fear of women

I'm changing my thinking - doing some cognitive behavioral therapy on my repetitive thoughts.

I have met many reasonable, rational and kind women in my life, yet despite being a woman myself I live in fear of other women. Here is some real life evidence to counter my fear:

• The old lady who said I had a lovely smile
• The lady who said I had nice shiny thick hair
• The patient old lady who gave no sign of irritation when I messed up twice on my first day working on the till at M&S
• Some girls at school, I won't name names. Really lovely clever kind girls.

And finally, to put my obsessive negativity into perspective. I was date checking fruit & veg the other day in M&S when an old lady asked me to show her to the lift. She was very old, alone and had a walking stick. She couldn't really walk, she had to shuffle very slowly. She told me that she had fallen over recently and that she was due to have an operation. She was clearly in pain. She kept apologising to me that she was going to slow. She told me that me being there with her was a comfort to her and she kept thanking me. 

In one blinding rush I realised the pettiness and narrow mindedness of constantly thinking of my own suffering. Everyone in this world is suffering and the only worthwhile duty in life is to relieve the suffering of others.

 I had generalised women, 50% of the population and written them all off a cruel, amoral vicious harridans. Some women will have these traits but I have been taking it to ridiculous lengths. I have a phobia, I know that now. I am particularly afraid of old women, as I've had some bad experiences with some short tempered ones. But this woman showed me the error of my thinking, the fatal error of generalising and taking those generalisations too seriously.

 I have been negating women in the way I excessively think they will all negate me. I have been dehumanising them because I feel that they will dehumanise me.

All people, men and women are individuals and should be treated accordingly. That old lady has taught me a lesson; keep your mind and heart open, learn from your suffering and move on, every human being is an individual and they all differ so never despair and also how you view others can reveal so much about yourself.

Depression

It was my 24th birthday yesterday. Went to eat out with my sisters at a Malaysian restaurant. It really wasn't nice. We were going to go ice skating but I was too knackered. Yeah, I'm crazy like that. So, I came home and felt depressed. So depressed. And I feel really bad today as well, deep in my bones. I haven't felt this depressed for a while actually. My bones and flesh are aching with sadness and grief. I sound so pretentious. I don't know what to do. My body hasn't ached like this before when I felt unhappy, which isn't a good sign.

Gratitude

I'm learning to be grateful for the good things that occur in my life, however small. Today I got two compliments whilst working at the till, one lady said that my hair was nice and shiny and thick and that she was jealous. A second lady, old this time, said that I have a lovely smile and I feel that she genuinely meant it.

Not everyone is thinking bad things about me, some people are having nice thoughts. Not that I should expect that or anything, just learn to be grateful and maybe see myself in a better light.

It's also revealed to me how much small kindnesses can affect someone's day. They made mine better today.

Nausea

Tuesdays & Wednesdays constitute my weekend now as those are the only 2 days I have off from my Xmas temp job. But I have totally wasted both days just surfing the net, watching rubbish and not doing anything productive.

Also I've been feeling so bleak and empty today. The main emotion of the day however has been nausea at the thought of my own existence a la Jean Paul Sartre. You know, you must have had it, that queasy sickness at the thought of having to exist day in day out. The knowledge that life consists of almost constant but varying levels of suffering with barely a glimmer of happiness. The knowledge that you are totally utterly alone in this crazy world filled with insane unpredictable forces (and by that I mean people).

The feeling of having to go to work tomorrow morning is already weighing down my miserable heart. The problem is, I just can't do anything productive. I'm so angry and sad.

Next Tuesday is my 24th birthday.